April is Child Abuse Prevention Month so this blog post is about something that we can all work to do, which is reducing the risk of child sexual abuse to our children and those we care about. Most of us remember “Good Touch, Bad Touch” in elementary school. It was a program that taught kids all about the types of touches that they should tell an adult about. That program was useful, but one thing that it really got wrong was that it put the responsibility for both stopping and preventing sexual abuse on children. “Speak up if you’re uncomfortable!”, “Tell an adult!”. Most children do not possess the confidence or security to speak up to stop an adult from doing something that makes them uncomfortable, especially when you consider that the vast majority of perpetrators are adults that these children are familiar with and trust. This post will provide education on things you can do, as an adult, to recognize areas where there is a greater risk of harm.

Child sexual abuse is when a child (age 0-17) is involved in sexual activity that gives either sexual gratification or monetary gain to the perpetrator. This can include both touching behaviors and non-touching behaviors, such as exposing children to sexually explicit material or other exploitative activities.

• There’s no race or socioeconomic group that is immune or protected from child sexual abuse

• Out of all cases of abuse that were substantiated (meaning they were investigated by CPS and found evidence) in 2018, 7% were counted as victims of child sexual abuse. (US Dept of Health and Human Services)

Body Autonomy & Private Part Rules

Teaching body autonomy gives children control over their own bodies and the choice of who they show affection to, thus empowering them to have healthier perceptions of sex. Private Part rules tell us the same thing that “Good Touch, Bad Touch” used to in schools, but it includes things like consent and having control over your own body. When you teach your child about body autonomy and rules for their bodies it also makes it more of a normalized conversation so they are more likely to recognize something that seems off.

How do we teach body autonomy?

Conversations about sexuality and sexual body parts start from a very young age.

It’s helpful to teach your children from a very young age the correct names for all body parts.

• Use anatomical names of body parts such as penis, vagina and anus
• Similar to using the song head, shoulders, knees and toes
• These are all their body parts. Teaching them all body parts allows them to learn what they are without shame or embarrassment.

Teach your children body part rules.

• WHO? Who can look at our private parts?
• When? When is it appropriate for someone to look or touch their private parts?
• If their parent is bathing them or changing their diaper
  • If they are at the doctor and their parent(s) are present

That it’s okay to say “No” to being touched. To anyone.

• That includes mom and dad.
• That includes tickling, hugging, kissing, any kind of touching. And back it up. 
• Don’t get upset if your two year old says they don’t a good night kiss. Thank them for telling you. If you are tickling your child and they say stop or no, immediately stop.

Some secrets are okay, like a surprise birthday party, but other secrets should always be shared with mom or dad.

No one is immune from the risk of child sexual abuse.

Child sexual abuse can affect someone on every level and stay with them the rest of their lives. There are also health risks that can come from child sexual abuse such as heart disease, obesity, cancer, depression, PTSD, substance abuse and the list goes on. Abusers are almost always someone the child knows (91% of sexual abuse is committed by someone known to the child). This could be a family member, distant relatives, friends, teachers, coaches, babysitters. It’s someone that you know and trust with your child most often.

Children often will not disclose the abuse, and if they do it may take a long time. They also may not tell their parents, so making sure your children know it’s okay and encouraged for them to speak to other safe adults is key. And also not to take it personally. There’s a lot of mixed emotions when a child is sexually abused and sometimes the abuser will keep the child silent by telling the child that the parent will be upset with them.

Many children will not show signs of being harmed. They may also ask to continue to see their abuser because of the level of love and trust that is there despite the abuse.

Why Might a Child Want to Continue to See Their Abuser?

While it’s confusing to an adult why a child might ask to see their abuser, it’s actually a very complicated situation for a child victim. Abusers are more likely to be someone the child trusts and loves. Part of the grooming process for abusers is to bond with the child, which is part of the reason it’s such a complex thing. The child may have enjoyed spending time with the abuser outside of the abuse and it’s difficult to separate that. The abuser may have also worked very hard to make themselves the person that the child trusted the most, so severing that tie may feel emotionally challenging for the child.

Think about if you’ve ever been in a toxic relationship and the person really hurt you. When you break up, often you think about the fun, happy times. Relationships aren’t always 100% bad, otherwise we wouldn’t have been in them at all. It’s the same sort of thing for a child victim. The more you can avoid giving a negative reaction to these requests, the more supported the child will feel.

What are some signs that might indicate child sexual abuse?

Even though abusers are most often someone the child loves and trusts, there are signs that the child is under stress or in an abusive situation. Here are some of the signs that you might notice in a child who is experiencing sexual abuse:

• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Struggling in school
• Showing a lot of anger and depression
• Having nightmares or extreme fears
• Avoiding certain adults
• Having symptoms of STI’s

None of these are a clear indication of sexual abuse but they are red flags that might mean you should have some conversations about how the child is feeling and try to understand what is going on for that child.

What is Grooming?

Grooming is when an adult or older child begins to test boundaries with a child and manipulate before any abuse actually occurs. The sexual abuser will try to pass off inappropriate behaviors as normal or no big deal. Usually this happens over a long period of time and it’s a process. The purpose of grooming is to try to obtain willing participation in the abusive relationship. This reduces the likelihood that the victim will either disclose or stop the abuser from continuing. Other reasons for grooming include manipulating perceptions of people around the intended victim.

Here are some grooming behaviors you might see in someone who intends to abuse a child:

• Asking to keep the relationship a secret
• Making suggestive or sexual comments
• Asking someone about their sexual background
• Sending links to suggestive images, memes or porn
• Using only certain apps for contact
• Chatting only at certain times or when others are not around
• Setting conditions on the relationship, such as demanding things (like photos)
• Sending unexpected gifts

Steps you can take to reduce the risk of sexual abuse

More than 80% of sexual abuse incidents happen in isolated, one-on-one situations with a child
 

(National Sexual Violence Resource Center)

There are things you can look for to make a situation safer for children.

• Choose group situations and have multiple adults supervising
• Scan the environment for hidden areas and correct any dangers you see
• Make sure interactions can be both observed and interrupted
• Remember that older youth shouldn’t be in any isolated or one-on-one situations with young children

Ask For and Suggest Best Practices in Both Schools and Community Organizations That Your Children Utilize

• Background checks
• In-person interviews for new hires and volunteers
• Personal and professional reference checks
• A code of conduct for any staff and volunteers
• A policy that addresses any disclosures or concerns of child sexual abuse
• A policy that addresses inappropriate behavior, breaches in policy and suspicions of abuse
• Prevention training for employees, volunteers, parents and caregivers

Behaviors to Watch for When Adults or Older Juveniles are With Children

Personal Space

• Does this person make others uncomfortable by ignoring social, emotional or physical boundaries or limits?
• Do they refuse to let a child set their own limit, or use teasing or belittling to keep the child from setting a limit?
• Do they insist on hugging, touching, kissing, tickling, wrestling or holding a child even though they don’t want physical contact?
• Do they walk in on teens and children in the bathroom?

Relationships with Children

• Do they turn to a child for emotional or physical comfort by sharing personal or private information usually more appropriate for adults?
• Do they have secret interactions with teens or children or spend excessive time emailing, texting or calling children or youth?
• Do they insist on or manage to spend uninterrupted time alone with a child?
• Do they seem too good to be true, ex they frequently offer to babysit different children for free or take children on special outings alone, buys children gifts or give them money for no reason
• Do they allow children or teens to consistently get away with inappropriate behaviors?

Sexual Conversations or Behaviors

• Do they frequently point out sexual images or tell dirty or suggestive jokes with children present?
• Do they expose a child to adult sexual interactions or images without concern?
• Are they overly interested in the sexuality of a particular child or teen?

If You See Signs of Abuse in a Child or You’ve Witnessed Boundary Violations by an Adult or Older Youth:

Say something! Don’t worry about hurting the adult’s feelings or being wrong. At a minimum you should set limits or ask questions

• Describe to the person what the inappropriate behavior or boundary violation was, ex “It looks like you’re forcing Timmy to hug and kiss you. He looks uncomfortable”
• Set a limit with the person. “Please stop trying to hug Timmy. We let him decide who he wants to show affection to”
• Move on. “Timmy let’s go over here and see what everyone else is doing”

If you see a pattern of these behaviors there are resources to help you. Reports of abuse concerns are confidential and can be anonymous. Sometimes, people are unsure if a situation is abusive. Even if you’re in doubt, call DCYF they have extensive experience in child protection and it is their role to investigate

IF your child or another child discloses sexual abuse to you…

Understand this is an act of BRAVERY that required the child to look past SECRECY, SHAME, FEAR and they’ve chosen you as the person that’s trusted to tell.
Pay attention, have compassion and BELIEVE them.

Other Things to do if a Child Discloses Sexual Abuse to You:

• LISTEN calmly and openly
• Don’t fill in the gaps or rush to get to the bottom of the situation
• Don’t ask leading questions about details
• Ask only open-ended questions like “What happened next” and “Can you tell me more”
• Believe the child
• Tell the child he/she/they has/have done nothing wrong
• Affirm their courage
• Seek the help of a professional who is trained to speak with children about sexual abuse (contact your local sexual assault center)

Resources

The National Sexual Violence Resource Center www.nsvrc.org
National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline 1-800-656-HOPE(4673) Get Help 24/7